It was the dentist appointment that started it. A semi-annual visit that lead to the neighbours hearing screams and a Mum learning a valuable lesson.

The day was cold.  Bitterly cold. The snow was flying and the wind was blowing. Blowing hard.

Mum and Son were walking home from school. The plan was to drop the backpack off and then walk the one block to the dentist.

As they walked, Son looked up at Mum and through the scarf wrapped around his face, yelled: “I’ve got to go to the bathroom, really, really, REALLY bad, Mum!“.

Mum smiled at Son and said: “well we better run then“.

So off they ran, down the street, through the snow with the bitterly cold wind gusting in their faces.

Mum opened the door for the boy to let him in the house but she stayed outside.  And maybe that was a mistake. But the truth of it is, they had that darned appointment at the dentist and she was worried of being late.  So she told the boy: “go quick and I’ll wait out here.

Many minutes later, the boy emerged.  The boy is typically a dawdler so Mum was not surprised that it took longer than she had expected. Plus, “he had all those winter clothes to put on.“, thought Mum.

And off they went to the dentist.

But the dentist was running late. Ordinarily, not an issue, but on this day, the other son was at the babysitter’s and had to be picked up at 5 pm. And so Mum became anxious as the minutes ticked by.

Finally, at 5:05 pm – late already for the other son pickup – the appointment ended and Mum and Son hurriedly put on their coats and ran home to get the car.

At home, Mum started the car and put the boy in. But alas, the cold weather had hit Mum’s bladder and a quick trip to the toilet was called for.

Now, on any other day, Mum would turn on the light when she used the toilet.  But on this day, she was in a monster of a hurry, so she ran in and sat down without turning on the light.

Only later would Mum discover the extent of this mistake.

wet toilet seatSitting on the toilet, Mum says: “Geez, the seat is wet. Why the heck are those darned boys always peeing all over the seat?“.

But what can a Mum do about it when she’s in a rush? Nothing. And so, she finishes and flushes and runs out the door to pick up the other son.

Pickup of the other son, as well as the following couple of hours were ordinary and uneventful and so we will skip ahead to 2 hours later…

Two hours later. Mum has made supper and everyone has eaten.  Mum gets her gym clothes on because she’s got a fantastic fitness class to get to and because it’s cold outside and she KNOWS that she’ll have to “go” before the fitness class starts, she heads to the bathroom for a little business before heading out into the cold.

Tip-tap, tip-tap, tip-tap, Mum walks across the floor to the bathroom.

Click, Mum turns the light on.

A brief moment of silence and then:

“AAAAAAAAAAaaaaack! “

Then: Serious – and multiple – taking of the Lord’s name in vain.

Then: “What the bleep, bleep, bleepity bleeeeeeeep?!?”

Mum disgustingly discovered that the wetness on the toilet seat was not pee as she had first assumed (like sitting in pee is not gross enough). No, it was most definitely not pee.

It was the aftermath of a rectal explosion.

Evidence of the explosion was everywhere and had now dried and hardened on the seat, the tank, the wall behind the toilet, the floor and on the glass shower walls.

When asked, the boy said only: “well, I do remember farting.”

Mystery of the wet toilet seat solved, Mum has learned her lesson and vows to forever after turn on the light before doing the business.

After a brief “toilet etiquette” discussion between Mum and Son, Son offers to help with the cleanup.  Mum, loving her son – but concerned by the quality (or lack thereof) of a 5 year old cleanup of a rectal explosion – says she’ll do it this time.

Which leads to today’s lesson:

How to Clean Up Explosive Poop Messes with e-cloth

  1. If the explosion is fresh, lucky you. It may stink worse than a dried mess but it’s easier to clean.  Simply dampen a General Purpose cloth or Bathroom cloth, fold and then wipe.  As one side of the cloths gets “full”, move onto another side. As necessary, rinse the cloth in hot water and continue on.  This may not be necessary but to remove any “ick-factor” left in your brain when you’ve finished, get a fresh e-cloth, dampen it and give everything a final wipe down.  Give both cloths a final rinse and then set aside to be laundered (to set your mind at ease, make sure to launder them in hot water this time).
  2. If the explosion is not fresh (i.e., dried up and hardened). My condolences.  Dried up poop isn’t really any more difficult to clean with an e-cloth, but in my brain it’s just that little bit worse. For dried up explosions, you’re gonna want a cloth with a bit of scrubbing action.  Like the Kitchen e-cloth, or the Range & Stovetop cloth. The scrubbers on those cloths will make easy work of the mess.  Once everything is loosened, use the microfiber part of the cloth to wipe everything.  As necessary, rinse the cloth and continue on.  And like for the “fresh” explosion, if you’re worried about the extent of the cleanup, use a 2nd e-cloth to give everything a final wipe when you’re done.  Give both cloths a final rinse and then set aside to be laundered (in hot water).

Note: I have a liquid green cleanser and brush that I use for IN the toilet bowl.  Although I can wipe poop off the walls and floor with an e-cloth, I just can’t wrap my head around sticking my hand into the toilet.