All I Really Need to Know, I Learned In Kindergarten. If that was true, my son would know how to wipe his butt.
Zander: “Mom, did you know they have a zipper club at school”
Me: “Really? Are you in it?”
Zander: “Oh yeah, because I can do my own zipper”
Me: “Great! Do you think a “Bum Wiper” club would be a good idea?
Zander: “Mom, I don’t need a bum wiper club because YOU wipe my bum.”
I suppose in most houses, bath night is the night before school. In our house, it’s the night OF school. This is related to a certain someone’s inability/lack of desire to wipe his own butt and the resulting skid marks on his underwear after a day at school.
Yesterday was a school day, so last night was a bath night.
I just have to digress for a moment to give you a bit of info on my 2 boys. Read it, because it’s important to what happens next.
- Remy is almost 2 and lately he’s taken to talking to me upside down. Essentially, he’s in a downward facing dog position (for you yogis) – bent at the waist with head down almost to the floor, bum up in the air and legs almost straight. He straddles his legs enough that he can see me through them. And then he starts talking. Usually I’m laughing too hard to hear him so he starts yelling. It’s a bizarre form of communication.
- Zander is 4. He’s in Kindergarten and is all about “doing it himself” these days like the “big boys” do. But if he thinks he’ll get a laugh, he’ll regress to what his younger brother is doing.
OK, back to bath night…
Being his new independent self, Zander ran upstairs ahead of us last night and got his cloths off, ready for the bath. But Remy and I took a while to get up there so Zander decided to go ahead and brush his teeth.
To brush his teeth, Zander gets up onto the vanity counter so that he can reach the faucets.
So Remy and I get upstairs and find Naked Zander brushing his teeth on the counter.
I turn my back to him to start running the water in the tub. Which is when Remy decides he needs to tell me something. So over he bends over and starts talking. (see bullet number 1, above).
I giggle. Which leads to the underlined part of bullet 2, above.
Zander says “mom, smell my bum!”. And I turn because my back was to him – and because I’m an idiot – to see that Zander is talking to me Remy-style.
But he’s naked.
And on the counter.
So his “kindergarten-didn’t-teach-me-how-to-wipe-my-butt” butt-hole is RIGHT IN MY FACE!
For all the great things kids DO learn in kindergarten, give this a read. Note that it says “flush” but no mention of bum-wiping!